Every single day I read stories from mothers who desperately seek support with how to handle he painstaking process of having to leave their child in the care of someone else, because they have to go back to work. Every single day I read about how that process goes horribly wrong, and how happy, cheerful children become withdrawn, aggressive and apathetic. Every single day I see these mothers desperately trying to find a solution, most often without luck, having to do something that everything inside them screams is not right, to leave their child in the arms of strangers.
Here in Scandinavia this usually involves placing the child either at a public preschool/kindergarten which is more common or a private daycare which is less common, when the child is between 7 months – 1.5 years old, with most being somewhere there in between. (In other countries such as the U.S, it is not uncommon to have to leave your child in a daycare 6 weeks after giving birth, so obviously in Scandinavia we have the total ‘Rolls Royce luxury version’ when it comes to childcare. BUT at the same time, it is not optimal, not by a long shot.)
The child most often has to be left in care at time where it is very vulnerable in its development. It has just started discovering its own independence and is slowly but surely started venturing away from its safe base; its home and its parents. In most cases, when the parents have to go back to work, the child is transferred to a totally new environment, and more or less yanked out of their arms, in an extremely rushed process, where their entire life is turned upside down. Unfortunately in many cases, this is required by the preschool staff for them to make their business run effectively. They cannot spend weeks or months integrating a new little one, which is actually what would have been required for many children to integrate in the new environment in a supportive way.
So the child is systematically traumatized – and yes, this is by design.
We have created a system that requires a docile, complacent working force (because it is essentially unnatural and illogical that we have to PAY to live) and so we trade the value of our lives, for mediocre entertainment and unhealthy consumption, and we call that ’life’. The child in many cases learns that it is abandoned by its mother, as it screams and cries for her not to go, and she goes anyways, which pushes it into the arms of the system, and into an inner state of silent misery, suppression and apathy. Please do not be fooled into thinking the preschools and daycare centers exist for the children’s sake because they need to go to such a place to learn what they need to learn in life. I’ve worked in more than 30 preschools, and the stories I could share would make you weep. Nothing in this system is created to support life to grow or flourish. That is why everything is slowly but surely devolving.
This is not to say that ALL children are traumatized by going to daycare or preschool. Many, especially older children, enjoy being around other kids. But for the youngest it can be a very brutal transition. And for many older kids, it is not ideal either.
So – how do we solve it?
This is what I am busy looking at and seeing if I can come up with a prototype for a model that could be implemented at least in a Scandinavian context that would secure mother’s financial situations while still allow them to be around and take care of their children. I simply cannot sit still and keep my mouth shut, when I every day see and hear these mother’s stories about how their hearts are breaking because they have to leave a child into the hands of strangers, strangers who in most cases, have little resources to actually care for that child in an appropriate manner, and therefore are forced to brutally detach the child from its mother. It is simply unacceptable.
The solutions I have found thus far, involve creating either a private daycare or a family cooperative where several mothers (or fathers) can join forces and either care for each others children or hire someone like me to do it. Luckily there are more and more of these places being created around the world (I visited one such amazing place recently in Kalmar which you can see on my Instagram), and more and more mothers and fathers whose inner voice of common sense has become so strong that it can no longer be suppressed or pushed down, and so they work tirelessly to come up with solutions that ensure that their children are given the most optimal care, either by them, or by someone they trust. I for example read about a mother who had come up with a solution where she would go to work at 4 am and then go to sleep with her child at 6 pm. The husband was quite satisfied as it meant he got a quiet evening at home after coming home from work.
I mean, whatever works! And yes, it has to work for the whole family, because a martyred and exhausted mother or father is not an optimal choice either. And there are obviously parents (especially single mothers) who have no choice but to leave their child at some daycare or preschool, or who for various reasons cannot personally care for their child in the home. It is for them, and for all the parents who write and ask for support, and for the children, and for Lora and for our family that I am working to come up with a solution. I don’t know what it is yet, but I know I have to find it, that it must be possible to solve this. Because I simply cannot accept this to continue.
If you do have no choice but to leave your child, please don’t feel guilty or think you are a horrible parent. As I mentioned, this is created by design. There ways to screen daycare or preschool facilities as well so you don’t have to settle for the first one that you get into, and if you find that it is not ok at a later stage, please don’t hesitate to move your child if needed. Some places are really not a place for kids to be. And if you are a parent who simply are not comfortable being at home with your child (which is also not optimal in many ways as I can attest to), or you feel incompetent or stressed because you feel like you’re not a good enough parent to your child, or simply feel it is boring to be around them, please do also not feel guilty. It IS possible to create communities where we can work together and learn together – you are not alone.
And if you do see that leaving your child at a daycare facility is not what is best for your child or for you, please do consider finding a solution to making it happen, even if your family or friends thinks you’re fussy or oversensitive. Dare to stand up for your child, even though everyone around you thinks you’re crazy. You do not have to accept the current way the system works or take if for granted, unless you absolutely have no choice. For many of us, there ARE alternatives, there are other options. There are groups on Facebook for stay at home parents that you can seek advice in and find communities in your local area. And I am here, even though I may be in a different country and at the other end of an electrical current and data stream. I am here.
If you agree with me and have ideas or suggestions, please do leave a comment. If you have questions you’d like to ask me or get my perspective on, also please do not hesitate to contact me. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or contact me via messenger on Facebook.
Someone asked me yesterday what it is like to be on maternity leave. I said: “It is a huge paradox.” It is the biggest privilege and the biggest prison in the world. On one hand, I know how fortunate I am to live in a country that offers perhaps the best maternity (and paternity!) leave in the world. In comparison, there are women in other countries who has to go back to work straight after giving birth, handing their children off to distant relatives or strangers to survive. I also live in a country where the tradition is to simply give the woman a bag of money and otherwise leave her to her own vices, totally isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. All over Scandinavia, you see mothers with newborns desperately walk around shopping centers to pass the time; shopping to at least feel some connection with the rest of the world. Or they sit at coffee shops doing their best to look totally perfect and blissfully happy with their designer clothes and designer kids, before going home to an empty apartment to stare into the wall or TV screen until their husbands and boyfriends comes come. And yes, this is totally a first world problem, but it is a problem none the less, because a mother with bird cage syndrome is not necessarily what’s best for a child. And yes, we can organize ourselves into little groups of mothers gathering with their children, and I’ve tried that, and many others have tried that and it is really not that much fun. Children can’t really play together until they’re at least two, so instead they’ll hit each other and roll on each other and steal each others toys. And I’ve gone to open playgroups, only resulting in my child shutting down because there was way too noisy. All in all, I’ve not found any of the traditional offers to pass the time as a new mother appealing.
So – here’s what I am doing instead, and let’s call this the beginning of “A MOTHER’S LIBERATION HANDBOOK”. (I’d like to clarify that when I say liberation, I do not mean liberation from my child, but from the unnatural situation I am placed in being isolated and home alone).
A MOTHER’S LIBERATION HANDBOOK
1. Whenever I find myself ‘bored’ during the day at home with my child, or I feel like being with a baby is ‘boring’, I deliberately ‘lower’ myself to her level. (low in this context means ‘humbling/grounding’) I do simple things with her that she enjoys.
These are our go-to things to do:
a) lay in bed and play and goof with each other, look into each others eyes, her moving and contorting her little body preparing to learn how to crawl, sit and eventually walk and stand. I stick my tongue out and do different movements and sounds with my mouth, because imitating these movements and sounds will help her develop the oral strength that is necessary for her to eventually speak.
b) Or we go outside and in the garden (can do it in your neighborhood if you live in an apartment) and slowly, slowly walk around and observe all the details we see. I make sure to observe where Lora’s eyes wonder to, and follow her lead in what interests her the most. Then we stop at trees and touch the bark, or I pick a basil leave and squish it between my fingers and let her smell and taste it.
c) We listen to music and dance. Nothing better to lighten a heavy mood. 🙂
2. I’m starting to plan more ahead to meet and see people that live rather far away, because I have found that it is important for me to be more with people whom I can communicate with on a deeper level and whom, at least to some degree share the principles I am committed to live, especially when it comes to how children are seen and treated. I’ve realized that if I want to meet and be around people who share similar values, I have to be willing to travel for it, and I am.
3. I have also realized that because maternity leave is a great privilege, I can actually use it (and the time it gifts me) to create even more networks and explore different places, situations and people. So I am actually planning on trying out different sports and hobbies, either where I can bring Lora with me, or eventually that my husband can be with her for a few hours when she’s not as dependent on my milk.
4. I plan on starting to study next spring when Lora is about a year old. I already have a bachelor and a master’s degree but it is invigorating to learn new things and I may want to expand my career into new areas, so what is better than taking up distance studying? (Which will also alleviate our economic situation a bit).
5. In the weekends or when my husband is home, we take roadtrips and find new places to take hikes where we take turn to carry Lora in a carrier or woven baby wrap. This is perhaps my favorite thing to do. As we walk, we talk about our lives and plans for the future.
6. I’m looking into starting a project or getting a job where I can include Lora, but this is very much only at a theoretical level. Another far in the future plan, would be to create a community setup living space, but by then Lora will also be much older. I can say as much that I will not accept that I cannot be mothering at a close and intimate level AND at the same time remain active in society and in my local community. It is simply unacceptable. So I will continue to work to find a solution.
7. I read blogs by other parents, and people in general who can inspire and support me to grow and expand as a mother. I watch videos and have discussions with people online, and I must say that having a supportive online community to share and communicate with is a must when you spend so much time alone – at least if you like I do, have a need to be social on a deeper level. Of course I also produce material myself (like this piece).
If you too are a new mother or a mother (or father) who’s staying at home who can relate to this, do share your tips or hacks of how you’re finding a way to remain active while at the same time committing to caring for your child in the best possible way; with your own two hands. I for one can see how incredibly easy it is to fall into the martyrdom of motherhood (another motherhood label/construct to liberate myself from) where one believes that one must sacrifice everything for one’s child. The opposite of course is the idea that one can have children and continue the exact same life as before, often at the expense of children who are often left in the care of rather random individuals. I am determined to find a balance you hear! And if you would like to join me, or join forces, don’t hesitate to contact me.
[Photo by Ksenia Makagonova on Unsplash]
From the moment my daughter was born, I knew that I would be walking a process of letting her go. I knew that she is, as the poet Kahlil Gibran says, not my own. She is the daughter of life itself, exactly as I am. I knew that I would have to let go of my own wants, needs and desires in relation to her, so that she can grow up to be the person she needs to be, that she has potential to be, and because I will not accept myself to hold her back or limit her to serve my own self-interest, I’ve been watching out for seeing when I have stepped in to a pattern of ownership or fear towards her.
So, the other day, I had a profound realization about motherhood and my role as a mother. I realized that my ‘role’ or responsibility as a mother is not to create an emotional relationship with my child, or to serve an emotional role in her life. I started realizing this because I could see that I was starting to create such a dynamic within myself, projected towards her, where I, more or less subconsciously wanted her to be emotionally depended on me, to need my love, and where I basically wanted to create an emotional bond between us that would forever tie her to me.
I realized this by asking myself the question in a quantum moment: “What did I need from MY mother? Did I need her to connect with me emotionally, to ensure I wouldn’t feel lonely? To ensure I would feel loved?” And to my surprise I realized that, no, I did not.
When I looked back at my relationship with my mother I realized that, I most of all needed her to support me on a practical level, and to stand as an example of what it means to live effectively in this world and how to form relationships and communicate with others.
When I looked at who I am as a person am in relation to my mother, I realized that I am a sovereign being, meaning that I have my own life, independent from her. If I feel lonely, I sort it out on my own. Even when I felt lonely as a child, she was never able to sort it out for me, or take the emotion from my body and transcend it for me. I realized that I don’t need my mother as an emotional support or ‘anchor’ in my life in any way what so ever, because I am for all intents and purposes alone in this life, as are we all. I need to be that for myself. And so does my daughter.
Looking back, I could see that my mother also did not (at least to a certain degree) create the type of emotional bond to me that many parents do, simply because she’s not that type of person (for better and for worse). Instead, she always had a great deal of respect for my sovereignty and unique potential, and she has encouraged me become independent and stand on my own two feet (sometimes a little too fast and too soon). As I see it, this is one of the primary reasons why I am not particularly nostalgic or attached to things or people or places or even ideas – which I see as a strength I have. Because it means that I am willing and able to move and change and let go if I need to. It also means that I am able to realize things like these that can be difficult to swallow. Edited to add: It also means that it is important to me to show my daughter physical affection and to respect her boundaries, something that my mother did not do with me.
As I kept diving deeper into this realization, I could see that my daughter is already as a small baby, much more independent and much less in need of me than I’ve given her credit for, exactly because I had this hidden desire for her to be emotionally dependent on me. So I wanted her to be more weak than she is, so that she would keep needing me. Isn’t it incredible? I mean that’s how problematic symbiotic mother/child relationships are developed. And if I you don’t catch it and stop yourself, you’re bound to create that ‘bond’ from what is essentially your own self-interest, of wanting the child to fulfill something in you (through you being something for them) that is really something you are yearning to give to yourself.
But because I have worked on developing myself for a very long time, and because I have walked a process to become self-honest also for a long time, I have enabled myself to ‘catch’ or ‘unveil’ myself in moments of self-dishonesty and self-deception. There are many, many moments still where I don’t (that’s why/how it is a life long process), but this exactly the process of deschooling that is talked about in unschooling contexts, and deprogramming as it is called in the Desteni group.
It is about facing and seeing the parts of ourselves that are the very most secret and shameful and hidden away. That we have created gigantic emotional STOP signs towards in our minds and bodies so that if we were ever to even begin confronting ourselves with the fact that this exists within us, we’d ensure that we DON’T GO THERE – and risk actually being honest with ourselves and our own motives.
See, even though I have realized that my daughter does not need me on an emotional level or for me to bond with her emotionally, it doesn’t mean I am not going to walk a process of creating an intimate and mutually trusting relationship with her. It doesn’t mean I won’t kiss or hug her as much as she’ll let me, or that I won’t rock her and sing her lullabies when she’s sick or tired or support her to stabilize if she’s scared. I already tell her I love her a hundred times a day. But a lot of those things (especially the hugs and kisses) are things that I do for me. I tell her I love her because I enjoy telling her I love her – not because she needs me to feel anything towards her. If I were to die when she was 5 or 10 or 20, she would still live on and create her own life.
The love she needs from me is practical, direct, tangible. The love she needs from me is a DOING, not a FEELING. And more than anything, she actually needs me to love myself, because that is the example I will set for her that she will mirror and to a certain (and big) degree will mold herself after.
So in realizing all of this, I have felt a sense of mourning and sorrow, and within that a reluctance to letting this emotional bond go, because it felt like I was losing her, that she was no longer MINE (which she of course never was). She came through me, but she is not mine. But then I realized that this entire point, this whole time, has been about ME being disconnected from MYSELF, about ME creating a deep and rich relationship with MYSELF, about ME connecting with MYSELF – that is was never about my daughter, or my relationship with her or me as a mother.
So after I had this realization, I have noticed that I have been able to be much more relaxed around my daughter, I have been less scared of her having bad experiences and I have been more myself around her. It reminds me of a decision I made in my twenties when it was clear to me that my mother was never going to be the kind of mother I had wanted her to be as a child. I realized that if I was going to be able to have a relationship with her, I had to accept her for who she was, and accept that she was first and foremost a woman, an individual, and that being my mother was only a part of the entirety of who she was. Back then I also felt a sorrow in letting go of my desire for a particular kind of mother, but with letting that desire go, I also opened myself up to the real human being that my mother is, and I started to see and appreciate HER for who she was. This, I realize, is what I am busy doing with my daughter as well. I am busy getting to know her, and see her for who she is.
And as such, I have peeled off another of those infamous onion layers of deception and unauthenticity from myself, as a mother and as a human being, and I can breathe a little bit more easily as I have released space within me, space that is now occupied by me, my body, my being, and not by an idea about who I am supposed to be in relation to my daughter, that doesn’t only imprison her, to now be defined as my daughter, but that also keeps me trapped in always searching for that deep connection with someone else, all the while, what (or whom) I was looking for, was here all along, with/within ME.
Why do adults often find it boring to play with children, sometimes to the point of feeling physically uncomfortable? Is there a way for us as adults to enjoy playing with children when we feel like it is the last thing we’d want to do?
This is something that I’ve been exploring over many years as I was working as a teacher, and couldn’t understand why it crippled me in my ability to enjoy my day and stifled my relationship with the children I worked with, because I became irritated and annoyed with them, completely without reason. What I found is that we as adults find it boring to play with children because:
A) We’re completely immersed in our ‘adult mind’ which prompts us to focus on being efficient and getting things done, and most of us have long since left behind our ‘child presence’ of being able to truly BE HERE and enjoy the moment and be immersed in what we’re doing. So we simply don’t see the value of play. We’re disconnected from our own bodies, which is one of the reasons why we may feel physically uncomfortable when sitting down to play with a child. Because we are confronted with ourselves on a level we’re not used to. So we see it as a waste of time for us to engage in, even if we see the benefit of spending ‘quality time’ with our child.
B) When adults play with children, we tend to let them decide everything while we passively tag along – exactly because we can’t or won’t fully engage and participate on equal terms. So we ‘halfass’ it to put in as little effort as possible, while our minds are often preoccupied elsewhere with ‘more important things’.
(Children pick up on this by the way, which is what often make them go all up in our face, asking the same questions over and over. They’re trying to get us to engage and be present.)
When we play only on the child’s terms and let the child make all the decisions, it is really boring to play. A child would never let another child make all the decisions in play. It simply wouldn’t be fun.
So – the way to engage with a child in play that can be mutually enjoying for the adult may include:
A) Play something that YOU TOO ENJOY. If you don’t like role play then don’t do it (or maybe challenge yourself first and see what it’s like). If you enjoy building and construction, why not pull out the legos? If you like creating homemade birthday cards, then make that into a mutual moment of play if you find that your child too enjoys playing with paper. If you can’t come up with anything, then that’s fine too. You can cook or bake together or clean out the garage in a fun and engaging way. You can even have a play date every week where you try out different things to find something that you both enjoy. What matters is that you participate on equal terms with your child so that the activity is fun for the both of you. And don’t halfass it.
B) Ground yourself in the present moment, in the sandbox or on the floor with the train set or with the dollhouse – and physically focus on becoming present here and letting go of the constant undercurrent of stress and pressure and time. Know that it takes practice to come back (and for some of us, for the first time) to a state of playfulness. As adults, we’ve spend 20 + years in a state of stress and hurry and getting things done, so don’t worry if you don’t immediately enjoy sitting down and hanging out with your kid. Can set a timer to 20 or 30 minutes to begin with if that helps.
This is actually a really cool ‘zen exercise’ that may be as valuable as meditation is to many people, as it brings you back HERE – to reality, to your body, to your child. And so, as you accept and embrace the current moment, you may start reconnecting with yourself on a whole other level and start seeing the value of the simplicity of play – and of spending time with your child in this way. Who knows what doors it may open up?
You very often hear adults speaking about how important it is to teach children values like ‘kindness’, ‘respect’, ‘empathy’ or ‘honesty’. In schools all over the world you will see endless rows of colorful posters instructing children: “In our school everyone is equal!” “treat each other with kindness!” Teachers will give entire lessons to prevent bullying by teaching ‘inclusion’ and ‘empathy’ towards others. Parents will perpetuate the same phrases over and over to teach their child manors and values: “be nice to your sister!” “Play gently with the dog.” “In this house we share!” It is clear that parents and teachers alike pay a great deal of attention to teaching these kinds of values.
We think we say these things to teach children the ways and values of the world. But we really say these things because we assume that children are not born with a moral compass. We believe that it is something WE have to teach them. This gets validated when we see them yank the dog’s tail so hard that it yelps in pain, or when they exclude another child from a game for no apparent reason.
Although most of us would not admit it, on a subconscious level, we see children as ‘savages’ who must be civilized and trained to become decent human beings who can function in society.
Now, considering the current state of the world and the general demeanor of adult human beings, and how we treat the world, I would say that our parents mission to raise us ‘right’ has failed and failed hard. The same can be said for their parents and their parents’ parents, and so the list goes on. It is equally true for our children, but how can that be so? I mean, we’re busy teaching them all these values, yet the odds are that they will grow up to become cheats and megalomaniacs and liars and narcissistic assholes like the rest of us. Why is that?
The truth is that we cannot teach children values like ‘equality’, ‘playing fair with others’ or ’empathy’ because most of us do not even know what it means to live these values ourselves. Sure, we know what it means on a superficial level, but if we were honest with ourselves, can we say that we truly live equality? Do we play fair with others? And what does it even mean?
In traditional Freudian psychology the human mind consists of three levels, the “Id”, the “ego” and the “superego”. The Id is the instinctual, impulsive and childish part of us, the part of us that throws tantrums and screams when we don’t get what we want. It is the voice of pleasure and selfish desire. It is what our children represent. The superego is the parent, the voice of reason, the one who is able to suppress impulses and do what is right. It is the values and morals taught by society. The “ego”, the middle aspect, is the balanced part of us where we are at an even key balancing our impulses and our common sense, or if you will: where we are in a state of constant conflict and battle between the two more extreme sides of us.
As teachers, and as parents in particular, we access a role of representing the superego to our children. We see ourselves as representatives and gatekeepers of a moral compass that we believe we must to pass onto our children, and we completely disregard the fact that we haven’t developed this moral compass in ourselves. We completely deny the fact that what we are doing is not only deceiving ourselves, but also our children. We do so by pretending that we’ve got it all figured out, that we are examples that they can lean on and model themselves according to. We deny and suppress the parts of us that aren’t socially acceptable, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t there, it doesn’t mean that we don’t act them out and it doesn’t mean that our children do not see and pick up on the conflicted behavior that we portray. We say one thing and then do the complete opposite. And then we wonder why our children do as we do, and not as we say.
Let’s look at an example: many parents struggle with, and worry over their children spending too much time on tablets, smartphones or computers playing games or wasting time on social media. We give them ‘screen time’ as rewards for good behavior or doing chores. We control them, limit them, moralize their behavior on these devices. And yet, where do most of us prefer spending our time? Often on the exact same devices we so demonize when in the hands of our young ones.
We constantly tell our children to play nice with their siblings or friends, but how do we not treat our spouses, the people who are supposed to be our best friends and allies in the world? Do we not belittle, exclude, ignore, fight, demean and spite them? Maybe most don’t even do it out loud, but there isn’t a single one of us who doesn’t, at the very least judge and condemn others in the secrecy in our own minds, and do so with pleasure.
The actual REAL values we are teaching our children (values being that which we prioritize and give importance to), are values such as suppressing the parts of ourselves that we don’t like, parts that we are a shamed of, instead of facing them and dealing with them in a responsible way. We are teaching them that what matters most is how others see us, not to have integrity within and as ourselves. We are teaching them that lying gets you out of trouble and that you can have forbidden pleasures and desires, as long as you keep them secret and suppressed.
So when we look at why our world is in the state it is in, when we look at each other in dismay at how our children treat each other, all we have to do is take a good hard look at one another and ourselves, and we’ll know why that is so. It all starts with us.
So often do we take values for granted as part of our society and of who we are, that they become nothing but empty words that we say because they make us look good (at least in the eyes of our own mind). But when have we ever actually asked ourselves whether we are in fact living the words we are trying to teach our children? When have we ever questioned how their behavior can be mirrored through us, not as the people we wish we were, but the people we are in fact?
If we truly want our children to become compassionate, giving, emphatic human beings with integrity and respect for others, we need to first develop these values in ourselves, not on a superficial level, but on a real, verifiable, practical level. To do that, we need to first understand what it means to be compassionate, to be emphatic, to be respectful; we need to examine our relationship with and understanding of these values and the words that represent them.
This is something that I would for one like to continue to work with, and together with the teachers who work with children and the parents who raise them, establish real, practical values that we can live and stand as real examples of to our children. After all, our future depends on it.
Watch this space to learn more or contact me if you are interested in getting started with this process.
Domesticating the Natural Child. 98
Who You Are is What You’ll Teach. 106
The Good News and the Bad News of Why Learning Cannot be Forced. 109.
The Miseducation of Your Humanity. 110
Stifling THAT child, Stifling the Whole World. 113
Being pregnant with your first child, you’d think that it would be a joyous time to be thinking about baby names while preparing to create the most optimal environment for the little one.
In an ideal world, new parents would be able to sit down and make the necessary changes to best provide a supportive and healthy environment for their child. They would be able to move, change their jobs or quit them, and they would be able to choose the type of education that they see is best suited for their child.
When my husband and I started preparing for the arrival of the new baby, we quickly realized that we couldn’t simply start planning for the life we see would be best to provide for our child.
In our case, we would like to live somewhere close to nature where our child is able to explore and enjoy nature and breathe in fresh and unpolluted air. We would like to spend as much time with our child as possible. We would also like to each be able to continue to have an active life, and stand as examples to our child through living in a way that is best for us as adults, pursuing a meaningful and purposeful driven life where making a difference in the world is of priority.
We would like to not be forced to place our child into childcare or a formal school. We would like to at least have a choice in the type of education our child is given. In the country we live in, we don’t.
We would like our child to have other people around them too, both children and adults of different ages. We would like our child to be exposed to all kinds of cultures, from books to people from other countries. We would like to live in a community where adults support each other in taking care of the children and the living environment. We would like to live rich and fulfilling lives with good nutritious food that isn’t laced with hidden toxins, regular exercise, travel and other life-enhancing experiences.
To me, these would be the basic standards of life that each child should at the very least be provided with from the moment of birth, to actually be able to make the most of themselves as adults.
When we look at our options, it is clear that we have to choose between the least bad options available to us, and make the best of that. We might for example not be able to be home with our child as long as possible. Instead we are forced to count every penny to see how far we can stretch the money or come up with a million dollar business idea over night.
Here I would also like to stress the fact that we live in one of the countries in the world that has the best conditions when it comes to things like childcare and maternity leave. We both have higher academic degrees and with my husband having studied law, we have the potential to make a considerable income in the future. I myself have worked in the education field for 15 years, and education and children’s rights are my life’s passion.
So ironically, you might say that we were in the perfect situation to become parents.
So why is it that, even for us who are tremendously privileged compared to most people in this world, we cannot even give our child the very essential upbringing we see would be best for our child to be prepared as best as possible to become an adult in this world? And where does that leave everyone else?
We hear all these fancy blanket statements like “The children are the future!” but it is as though we do not know what this in fact means on a practical level, or we wouldn’t be eroding their chances of the best life possible already from the moment they are conceived.
It is the same with statements like “All people have equal opportunity from birth”. How can that possibly be true, when my child is going to be born with disadvantages and poor odds from the get go, not even mentioning the people whose children are literally born without ANY opportunities to make a supportive life for themselves?
The fact that providing children with the utmost care and the best possible environment to grow up in, isn’t the highest priority in our society, is an unfortunate tell tale sign of where we are at in our evolution as humanity. The fact is that we are devolving rather than evolving at this point.
If children truly are the future, then we cannot care very much about our future since we are constantly making budget-cuts in virtually all areas involving children, childcare and parent support. We don’t even care enough to make the effort to protect the planet from further harm by human hands.
Another thing is that parents are expected to, without any training in how to actually be a parent, raise sensible, caring and productive members of society. Most parents try their best to give their children the best possible upbringing they can, in the best possible environment, with the best possible education, but society is indirectly – and sometimes even directly – disrupting these efforts through its commitment to short sighted wins and profit optimization for the few. It is for all intents and purposes not created to support its members to live and thrive and contribute in the best ways possible, but to erode and consume life resources, including those of human beings, at such a rapid pace that we cannot possibly keep up AND keep a decent living standard.
It would seem as though there are always more important things for us to do, than actually living, that actually caring for life. As the saying goes: as you give so shall you receive, and unfortunately we have created a world where we take a lot and expect everything in return, while we give very little. The same is true for how we raise our children.
One thing is certain: my husband and I are not going to let the lack of odds prevent us from giving our child the best possible start. We are committed to make it work, to find every gap and solution available and to learn and grow together with other parents doing the same. We do this so that our child will at least have a foundation from which they can go into life as whole human beings, human beings who have the potential to change the world, because someone was willing to change themselves and the world for them. So many parents do not have the opportunity to do that, so we do it for them too. All it takes is one family at a time, changing the world one child at a time.